Halloween/ Jody Mangue (mom)
Marin it is a day before Halloween how many Halloweens we celebrated. I have photos of you at age three in a costume with Jessica and Erica at preschool. At home in a Gumby and Cookie monster costume. Kenzie and you as princesses running through Ed's neighborhood oblivious to the cold. We loved that holiday decorated the house went to many a haunted house even in the cornfields. You were never afraid of scary movies thrived on them. As I watched two last night with Brandon I thought of our movies that we watched over the years preparing for this day. I miss those times. I miss you so very much all year long but there are certain times our times together are so missed and treasured. Know you are in the thoughts and hearts of many Moo. I love you and you are with me for all time Mom Close
Rain and memories / Jody Mangue (mom)
Marin it is October here perhaps the rainiest month of the year. On the 7th I thought of your Papa and how much we all loved him, cooked something and thought of his love for cooking. With remembering him, of course, I think of you. Dreamt of you that you were alive all this time and was trying to find you. I know you would never would have wanted to live incapacitated and so I am reminded of that possibility. You were healthy whole, vibrant and so alive and would not have wanted anything less for yourself. Your brother is waiting to hear something on his end and know you are with him to give him strength and hope as you are for me and your dad, your friends. You are with me in so many parts of my day. I picked up the sign for out front Casa Marin, it came out beautiful I will post a picture when it is put up. Marin, know I think of you, love you, miss you each and everyday. It is one of your favorite months October with beautiful fall days and getting ready for Halloween. Love you Moo, my heart is full of love and sweet memories of you. Close
9-11-2001/ Jody Mangue (mom)
The event that changed the world forever. Ten years have gone by and it is hard to conceive the devastation loss anguish that occurred on this day. It is hard to watch the memorials and tributes. For me I am reminded of Marin in so many ways and those who survived or lost a family member echo the same that I feel and know in my heart in the ways we carry on but they never leave our side. No matter how many years go by they are forever with us and so many reminders of them each and every day. I was at work in the social work department when the Twin Towers were hit one of my supervisors happen to have her TV on and we all ran in to watch. It was unfathomable witnessing and rewatching this horror the thousands of lives lost and the family members in agony. Those of us watching on the TV were being traumatized as well from what had happened. Our country has never been the same since or really recovered between wars the fallen economy droughts hurricanes tornados flooding doom. Yet those remaining carry hope that the world will be a brighter place. We live to carry on for those who have gone on before us. God bless us all today as we live on. Close
Marin's birthday, 2011 / Jody Mangue (mom)
I am awakened at 330am from not going to bed, but to fall asleep on the couch, I spring up and figure it is a good way to get the day started so I can slip away as planned. I have no idea where I will be led this time and leave it to Marin. While on the drive and on the coastal road I hear Playa Hermosa and to eat breakfast which I do and out comes the camera to take many photos throughout the day. I feel relaxed and looking forward to what may come of the day. I take a number of wrong turns to find Hermosa also get called, which means I need to go back towards Jaco and check something. However, in doing that is where I find the gift I have been told I will have a gift.
There is one point today of sitting under some trees and in the company of a young iguana. There are many times where I pass murals and have to take pictures. I am reminded of driving in New Mexico before and after Marin is born, Evan is in preschool and I take advantage of the time between dropping him off and picking him up to drive the back rural roads of northern New Mexico and taking photos. This I am doing today, 24 years later but in Costa Rica. I am also given a full memory of her birth. Marin met the midwife from Chile who fortunately was there working that night when she was born as the doctor had gone home and the nurse caring for me was not very experienced. Marin came very quickly and surprised us all. We would make pilgrimages to the places we lived and where she was born.
There are so many details of her as a baby that I am reminded of today. Her sweet nature and generous spirit, I was so fortunate to have such a child. There is not a day that goes by when I do not think of you and know today you were with me throughout the day Happy Birthday Marin, I love you with all my being, heart and soul. Mom My gift was a painting by David Artavia, this one of three dolphins beneath the water another one I have had hanging up with two dolphins under a sunset lit wave. David and I have corresponded over this past year and although we have not met there is a strong connection to him. He surfs with dolphins and thinks of them as angels. This painting today was hidden at the back corner of a store. Guess it was waiting for me to find it. Close
Almost your BD / Jody Mangue (Mom)
Moo, tomorrow is your birthday you would be 24, I hate to have to use that choice of verbs. I would much rather say she is 24 tomorrow she is, she is, not was or would be. It is painful to have to do that. I am thinking of you with all my heart, soul, being and I will take myself somewhere in honor of you, Marin. You know how much I love you and yearn to see your smiling face again. I never knew I would ever have to go through something like this. Has it made me a better person. I really do not know. Have I accepted this, of course, I had to. But no matter what I am here for you and love you in as many ways as possible as your mom, we are together always, I love you my dearest daughter. Happy Birthday a day early, Mom Close
We will never stop loving our children. A thoughtful gentle man named William Penn once wrote "Those who love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill that which does not die." We loved our children yesterday we love them today and we will love them tomorrow. There is neither force nor foe that can ever remove the love we have for our children. They live within us and beyond this world now and forever. This is not the way we wanted our lives or their lives to be because our children belong not to the ages but to us. In the end sadly they are not ours to keep. They will always be ours to remember to honor and to love.
We hurt so much because we love so much. It is our curse to live with the reality of death's details. It is our Blessing to be given a glimpse of the infinite possibilities of perpetual Love. It is not a fair trade. Neither is this a bargain we sought to make. The Children that died too soon have broken our hearts while giving us the great gift of enlightenment. Where do we exchange that unwanted present for one minute with them when no refund line exists. We reach out to strangers to family or friends to help us remember to help us hope all is not lost. It helps. It is not a cure. This pitiful plight is not a wound that time heals.
Death cannot kill that which does not die. Our children would no more leave us than we would stop loving them. Those that Love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. No one no thing not now not ever can take away our love for our children. Our Love defies death and taunts time while embracing and displaying its eternal nature. Sometimes Love travels an earthly path filled with tears and cheers inspired by the life of a child measured in moments or years. Our children live forever in the glorious unending infinite light of our Love as we in theirs. That is our blessing. That is their gift and maybe they are waiting to see if we like it. Perhaps a cheer joined to the tear is what they need to hear. Close
Dream of you and Minnelli / Jody Mangue (mom)Read >>
Dream of you and Minnelli / Jody Mangue (mom)
My dream is of Marin and Minnelli. Who is Minnelli ?I do not know, but woke up this am having a funny dream. I was in a house different than this one. there was lots going on and had to go to the airport to meet the people I am meeting today, but was running late. I believe my parents were also in the dream. We noticed a big bulge in the high ceiling and so water was leaking into it to form this giant bubble, it broke and I ran to where I saw some ladder made within the wall. I climbed up to an open attic and Marin was there, she was about 8 years old, I had her come down and scolded her. As I was climbing down, I saw a little knife and other small things that belonged to this girl, Minnelli who was really the culprit. I went up to bring her down and show her what had been done. Later, as I was heading to the airport I looked in a small bus and Marin's face was very close to mine from the bus window, she had curly hair with some flowers in it and she made a mad face about what had happened. All I kept thinking was how beautiful she was. I woke up to remember all the details. I feel her close, it is her birthday this month. So again they reach us in funny ways sometimes. Minnelli had tight black curls and dark eyes, she was very mischevious! ha. I love you Marin and I am happy to see you any chance I can get!! Close
Today is Father's Day 2011. I have been thinking of the day for some time. I think of my dad, miss him so very much. He has been gone now almost 5 years( July). And I think of Marin's dad, Jack not knowing how this holiday hits him. I did make a photo which is the lead photo now in honor of Marin for Father's Day. She is so so very missed and loved. I have decided to publish these writings so I have a tangible version and also to see the photos together. Each day, there is some reminder of you, Marin. Today, I went to a store and there were two beach towels with Kauai on them, dolphins leaping. Dolphins seem to be the main theme. So many small tributes and memories.
Another holiday has come and gone and you are so dearly missed Marin. There are so many reminders of you and also of you not being here in person. You made us feel special and you also made us feel like the luckiest parents on the planet.
I was so lucky to have my dad as long as I did. It was not enough time, never is. I am thinking of you both, know that you will never be forgotten and are loved beyond comprehension. Words do not express, all that I feel for both of you and the appreciation I have for having you as my dad and my daughter. Kisses and hugs to you both in Heaven.
Memorial Day and Dreams / Jody Mangue (Mom)Read >>
Memorial Day and Dreams / Jody Mangue (Mom)
Memorial Day came and went I was aware of it but it is not recognized or celebrated here in CR. On Sunday it was a very emotional day so much reminded me of Marin it was hard to get through the day and night. Prior to this I had a dream that Marin was sitting in the back seat with me. Someone else driving. I had some gizmo in my hand that made noise whistles I handed it over for Marin to look at it she took it she did not speak but she looked the same age as before she died. After she took the gizmo I asked her if I could hold her hand she extended it to me and when I grasped it my body responded with a hugh heave and unrelenting weeping of holding her hand it was soft real. Just being able to touch her again hold her hand. Our connection to one another is so deeply rooted. I often held Marin's hand while we would be driving so this is something I long for the dream was brief but significant.
I am now writing a story about my grandmother Madeline who would be 100 this year. It begins with we can speak to our ancestors and they want us to tell their stories so in this site I have done just that telling Marin's story those of my parents my grandmother myself. We are were ordinary people but the significance to one another runs deep and the chord is never broken. God bless our families and loved ones. I love you Marin Gram Mom and Dad miss you all so much. Close
Mother's Day / Jody Mangue (Mom)
I cannot speak for other mothers and fathers who have lost their children. I can only express my own feelings, experiences, thoughts. I have probably said before that the time that has passed since the death of one’s child DOES NOT EASE the pain. I hope to emphasize this and so if you happen upon a mother or dad who has lost child no matter, what age do not ASSUME that they are ok no matter how many years have passed. I think from what I have gathered from talking to others is that the pain is always there, it may be just under the surface. It does not take much to evoke the pain, reminders, tears.It is overwhelming this loss, unbelievable despite how long ago it occurred. You can read the books on grief and loss, the different stages of grief. Yes, we have accepted it, but it does not mean all is well or normal afterwards. It sometimes does help to talk about it, sometimes it does not. We wear a poker face, smile, laugh for others to feel comfortable with, as they would NOT want to know what really goes on. For me Marin’s death is now 7 years it will be 7 and a half on her birthday in July. Mother’s Day has just passed. For myself, I cringed being remembered, reminded of what has happened in my live without Marin. I hoped for the day to end even though I am here in Costa Rica, there were many reminders and of course thoughtful people to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day that is an oxymoron to wish someone a Happy Mother’s Day when their child is dead. I know I have another child, but again what is forefront for me is that the child I bore, adored, lived for, cherished is no longer here and so those holidays are like huge thorns in our hearts, minds, souls. If we were not remembered, maybe that is best. I do not know. I can only speak for myself. Come August, which is when Mother’s Day is celebrated in Costa Rica, I will make myself scarce, do not want to be invited to any celebration. I will buy gifts and remember other mothers out of respect for them, but do not expect to see me. The same is true at other times, birthdays, the death anniversary, holidays ,we loved and celebrated. Halloween, which is not celebrated here yet in any big way, I found myself depressed and sad, just looking at the decorations. It was one of our favorite holidays. I find myself odd. I do many ritualistic actions. Like parking in number 87, Marin’s birth year. Wearing Apostastle clothing which has 1987 on it. For some time I only wanted a vehicle that was made before the year of her death 2004. My vehicle now is a 2001. I know this may seem strange. It is perhaps a kind of reverent, conscious way of thinking and remembering the person. We do have one vehicle dated 1987. There is some small comfort in that. Do not ask me to explain it. It is part of this strange adaptation for me to the death of Marin. We do not forget them and in these small ways, we remember them, I suppose. The other thing I have done over the years is memorialize her I have an internal garden which has plants, flowers, beanie babies. dolphins, turtles, birds, angels chimes. So when I look at it I am enriched in a visual and kinesthetic way again in memory of her. In most rooms in the house, there is some treasure that either belonged to her or memorializes her. A touchstone. I have a few things of my mother’s too that are displayed in the same way. The mosaic wall above the pool is of a mermaid Marin sitting on a rock facing the water in the waves are dolphins two of them, turtles, starfish, fish. It came out beautiful, thanks to Emily and I swim in the pool almost daily. I have friends who try to counsel me. Try to understand. I appreciate friendship. I am able to enjoy company for a while, but there is point, I have to disengage. I am afraid I am a lost cause. I know my friends mean well. I have operated all my life on my internal instincts, I do not reason things through. This is true for the person I have been all my life and even more so with Marin’s death. If your advice feels right, I might consider it but for the most part I go on my own intuition of making decisions. I have found that people’s advice often comes from their own fears, experiences in life wanting to control events or people or trying to prevent you for going through what they may have encountered. It really has nothing to do with me and where I am at. I do not feel like I can relate to too many people in this world. I share humanity, try to be humane but that is about it. Living here has allowed me this freedom, if you can call it that. I have experienced the worst thing in my life, so I am not in the same place when it comes to planning for the future, thinking ahead. I do not care about money so much. I like to buy groceries, pay bills. But having things does not seem important. It does not really matter to me this thing called money, having it, feeling secure about it, gathering it. Again I do not think of my future with any certainty or assurance of anything. Some of these things never mattered to me and matter to me less. Perhaps in reading this you may ascertain that I am depressed, depressing. I do laugh, enjoy my life here as much as I can, it is not to say I am not alive or living. There is a certain apathy I encounter. I do not engage in politics pay attention to what is happening in the world for the most part. Am sheltered from some of it intentionally. I get tired a lot, do not want to make many commitments of time to anyone. Commitments period except to my partner and son. Commitments to writing people or writing. Passing the time in conversation, nothing more. I miss my old life, part of it the work part, the normalcy ,my family. There are many things I miss terribly. Like Marin, my parents. I think I have managed to survive, carve out a life that seems to work for the most part. I do appreciate your friendship and love, it is not lost on me. But understand you can never really be apart of my inner world, thinking, except for brief moments. There is grief, anger, rage, inconsistencies, torment, lunacy at times. That may be true for all of us, loss or not. I wish you the best in your world, life, happiness in your family with your children and grandchildren. You are so very fortunate. Most everyone in this world will never experience such a tragedy and thank GOD for that. I write all this not only to express myself, but if you encounter someone who has experienced a loss like mine, do acknowledge that child, if it feels comfortable to do that. Allow that person to talk if they wish. Do not ask a lot of questions. Let them gauge if they feel comfortable enough to speak about their child and their lives. One thing I have learned that it is NOT easy to be the friend of someone who has lost a child I have seen a number of friends slip away and I cannot blame them. It is too difficult as they will always associate you with your child and what you have had to go through, meanwhile their life goes on with the normal day to day concerns and existence. And that in itself is so rewarding. Treasure it. I did. Close
animals/ Jody Mangue (your mom )
Marin, I knew coming to Costa Rica I would see and be with many animals, both domestic and wild and this has been true. We see many in the wild and appreciate their beauty, the scarlet mackaws, crocs, snakes, monkeys, sloths pumas, pizotes, mapaches so many varieties, species. There is great need, too, to help those domestic cats, dogs, cows, horses, goats, sheep. Today, we were asked to help a dog which had been attacked, one vet wanted to put her to sleep, but she was only three and so we had her go to a vet nearby she is under anesthesia as I write this. The other day, a dog was on chain, it had gotten away was so thin and malnourished, uncared for. Julio broke the lock on the chain, I had a rug for her to sleep on which she did, now free of her chain. I cried at the inhumanity of her situation, plight. I know today you and your gram would want the same for all these animals we encounter here, spare no expense. So I am thinking of you and Gigi when going to the vets. How you both loved animals so much and were both so kind and loving of them whatever it was. I miss you both so much and wish you could be here with me today, I suppose in some way you are! I love you both. Embrace us when we are awake and in our dreams. Close
Dream/ Jody Mangue (mom)
I had heard from Jimmy’s mother and she said wouldn’t you give anything to have a dream about them. I fell asleep on the couch sitting up and would doze off and on watching various programs by the time I finally went to bed it was 344am I turned on the fan and crawled under the covers. At 535 one of the dogs yelped I got up very drowsily and the dream I was having was with Marin but she was about 11ish preteen she had been mad at me living with some other family not dead and her hair was a shiny brown when she was little. She had been receiving my letters but did not like what I wrote. At one point I could hug her and touch her and stroke her head and hair like if I could just get that close everything would be fine with her. She talked a lot and I realized that many of my old things maybe at Jack’s house files etc were thrown out for the garbage people to pickup but I got back in time to look through what was being thrown out. I was surprised she was mad at me there was only one time during her freshman year that it was difficult she was angry a lot rebellious and then after some time she came around and realized or grew up. It had been a tough year many times Jack was mad at her and she would stay with him he would call and say come get her. We had not had problems with Marin ever but that time we did. This dream did not fit that time frame but I was trying hard to make amends and to have her with me again. At some point Abby’s dad who is a senator and another person in a different spot were cooking breakfast and I had them add an additional order figured Wilson or whoever was with me could eat toast and eggs. We were waiting for something maybe it was the truck but it all seemed dramatic and detailed. The best part was holding Marin and being near her and her tossled shiny hair. Her face was flawless young beautiful. She was very animated as she was in life. • Yesterday I had ventured out and did a few things but kept watching for the rain as I had many clothes I washed out bed linens. I just HAD to go to the thrift store that I discovered about two weeks ago and so did go there it seemed really impt to be there yesterday. Wandered around the store found a few things I could use sun hat shorts tshirt with Marin’s birth year on it red and white Aeropostale.1987. I was looking at stuffed animals and thinking of Raeann’s dog and Cookie and did not find anything saw a lady bagging a bunch of Barbies and thought maybe Carla would like that. Used the bathroom and when I came out took one last look around. Before going I looked in one last bin and down in there was a bagged softball glove the same as Marin’s with a black rubber ball inside of it well worn I bought it 300 colones like less than 50 cents. It had dirt in it I was cleaning it up it fit me perfectly as her gloves did. Would wear the black one as she wore her the tan one. I definitely felt she was reaching me. There were two shows I watched last night The Ghost Whisperer and Medium the little girl who was a ghost had died in a car accident her dad driving. Another person killed in the other car fiancé of this woman who had been a professor of anthropology but studying how the dead reach you Asian professor but it was Margaret Cho the comedian as the actress. She was given a ouija board and it was flying around the room her computer and her cell phone both had the word concert on it she was to go to a concert she kept running into the same guy there was an attraction. They had coffee and she told him about her fiance’s death and the man reached out to hold her hand knowing how she felt and told him about her daughter they later realized they had been in the same accident and the woman had to flee she could not handle it. The little girl wanted them to get together they would both drive to the crash site to visit it but kept missing the chance to meet one another. They had many of the same interests and so here was a chance for them to find happiness. The girl could only leave once she accomplished this. She also wanted her death to have some meaning that there was something good that came of it. That struck me. How true this can be I do feel Marin was behind the scenes for me coming here to live. That I would find some happiness here. I get from Marin….I am there in your dreams but often you do not wake up in time to remember them. The glove was no accident to find it. Just a reminder of when we hit the ball you practicing with me on the hill above the house the kitty would come with us and you showed me how to hit catch throw the ball. It was our time together Evan came sometimes it was our first field. After that we went to parks or in the front yard and practiced. Remember the guy who stopped and said what a great pitcher I was he watched for a while as we play pitch and catch. You sat on the bucket and we never got tired playing. We would take breaks and go back out until it was dark. First it was Phyllis’s team then played on Abby’s team we both pitched there was a game where Marin pitched for the first time I did not see it Mo also played and she was the pitcher but Marin had her chance. Later she and Abby played together on an Arvada team or different team to play together they were the star players they had the worst team could not stand the coach. Once Marin tried out for this Arvada red team which always won after the tryout she felt that she did not want to join that team preferred being with players she knew or at least some of them. By that point Erica was not into it Some of the girls she played with were living in other areas so they got split up. At some point Jack and Frank decided to put a team together and had tryouts that is where the Stealth began. Marin number 2 Lindsay number 3. They did well for the first year second year too. Marin played for high school but did not like the politics recruiting kids from other schools so did not want to play for high school she spoke her mind I appreciated that about her. Yesterday I remember that after she died I found her softball bag with her uniforms I washed them all crying while doing it it was one of the hardest things I had to do was going through her uniforms Jack has them. She also had her soccer bag full of uniforms. I believe he has those too. She stopped playing soccer at thirteen. I rented a car once when she played with a team and they had a big tournament in Utah she was the only one who scored the coach definitely thought she could have played college soccer but that was not her dream. The Stealth did play at big tournaments and once we went to a giant tournament of players who were close to 18 and watching the process of how the scouts choose the players and the active roles the mothers had with copies of their stats videos etc to be looked at in other games to be viewed by these scouts business cards. Was not sure Marin would want that but it was exciting nonetheless. So again on how they reach us in many subtle ways. A touchstone. Jog our memory bank. Some small trinket. I noticed that the ring Emily made for me broke and so I now wear the ring I dedicate to Marin a heart shaped garnet on my ring finger and another ring dedicated to Evan on my right ring finger. There is a photo I have been wanting to take we pass this one farm on the way. Close
Easter week here in CR / Jody Mangue (mom)
I was asked to mention what we do in the states for Easter. I was remembering to when we would have baskets for you and Evan and always a stuffed animal candy dyed and plastic eggs. We spent hours hiding and hunting eggs in the yard or at a park. I loved walking you up Easter morning. We sometimes went to Easter sunday to one church where they celebrated new life and spring had a beautiful altar with live chicks and ducks. It was always a happy holiday and we would gather with your dad's family for a day together and lunch. Nothing is the same here as far as a celebration. There are many people who travel to the beach or go camping others who stay home and in reflection about the meaning of Easter. How I miss you Marin each and every day does not go by without thinking of you loving you and missing you so very much. I know you are with me but even so it is not ever easy without you near. I love you Marin so very much. Close
Birthdays and missing you / Jody Mangue (mom)Read >>
Birthdays and missing you / Jody Mangue (mom) Marin my birthday came and went and all the time I kept thinking of you and what we would be doing if you were here. We often went out to eat to the movies the mall and shopped. We just enjoyed each other's company and so no birthday is the same in fact they come and go and have no real special meaning. Someone wrote me that I must have gone through a real transformation in losing you. I am not sure you can call it that. It is what it is. I did put in an internal garden with so many things that were yours beautiful flowers plants hanging chimes dolphins angels turtles birds all the things that I would think you would like. It came out beautiful and I will keep adding things you are never far from my thoughts always in my heart now and forever my sweet angel. How I miss you and love you so MomClose
Josh Groban songs and inspiration / Jody Mangue (mom)Read >>
Josh Groban songs and inspiration / Jody Mangue (mom)
When I first came to Costa Rica along the way I received or bought the first CD of Josh Groban so many wonderful songs inspirational. I never tire of You Raise Me Up. This one I read the words today and will add here which speaks of Marin and others who are in the realm of angels. How we long to see their faces again. Marin is never far from my thoughts my mind my emotions. This song is called To Where You Are. Here are the lyrics.
"To Where You Are"
Who can say for certain Meibe you're still here I feel you all around me Your memory so clear
Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak You're still an inspiration Can it be (?) That you are mine Forever love And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for awhile to know you're there A breath away not far To where you are
Are you gently sleeping Here inside my dream And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you Just one beat away I cherish all you gave me everyday 'Cause you are my Forever love Watching me from up above
And I believe That angels breathe And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up To where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for awhile To know you're there A breath away not far To where you are
I know you're there A breath away not far To where you are
Marin I miss you and yearn to see your face again. Love crosses all boundaries for you and I my moo. Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star...to see you smile if only for awhile. A breath away not far to where you are. your mom for all eternity. Close
Remembering Marin's gram, Gigi / Jody Mangue (mom)
Jeannette Veronica Marie Jacovini born March 4 1926 aka as Gigi to her grandchildren
Today is March 1st I am thinking of mom and remembering her stories. She was born in NYC on the kitchen table in an Italian neighborhood. As the story goes my gram, Madeline paid five dollars to the nurse and doctor who came out for the birth. After the delivery the nurse was to also clean the kitchen. My mother was my gram’s only daughter born to her at age 15 or 16. My mother also tells me a nurse came to their building and bandaged up one of her injured cats as soon as she left the cat ripped off its bandages. My mother had what she called a menagerie up on the roof of their building. She had dogs, cats, ducks, rabbits, and chickens. She loved animals from a young age. I went through her photos to see which ones she had with a dog in it, others she is holding baby goats standing amongst a field of chickens, roosters. She was a city girl, but no matter. I remember going to many feed stores to make sure the goats had their food. There were nine in all, these belonged to my brother, but he would bring them in a big trailer to stay over the weekend at their house also including a few chickens in their cages. My parents never blinked at this craziness, sure why not bring all your animals to the city for two days. I remember once cringing as I looked in the backyard at the goats, however they did not make much noise so did not seem to bother the neighbors. My mother looked after several dogs in the neighborhood, everyday one would stick his paw in the mail slot of their door to let her know he was there. He looked a lot like Benjie. She secretly took many to the vet. My mother started dancing when she was very young, turned professional at 15. My gram encouraged her daughter to be in what they called back then, show business. My mother traveled at an early age to the Catskills, New Jersey, she had costumes made. My gram lent money to the dance studio owner,which certainly helped her career. She performed with a number of old celebrities who were her age or a bit older Jerry Lewis, Sid Caesar, Dean Martin, Milton Berle. My mother studied tap, ballet jazz and gymnastics and developed her own act. She worked until she was 36 7 days a week taking the train into Manhattan from Long Island. I was taken care of by my gram, Madeline who lived with us. My mother would get off from her job when my dad would get off the ships. They had 12 years together before having children. She would drive several women and herself to various ports to pick up my dad and their husbands. Norfolk, Portsmouth, wherever he landed. He would be off for six months. They did grow tired of being apart so my father took a job in Louisiana as a ship’s pilot, telling my mother she would be near a big city, Houston. She was not at all prepared for the culture shock, taking her away from her roots, her career and her dear mother. It was very hard on my mom, most people she met in the early days could not understand her accent. She tried to be friendly, but people were quite clannish back then. Her best friend in NY was her best man in my parents wedding July 1 1944, Sammy Van was a transvestite. My parents had come from a different background were unusual, interesting and interested in people from all walks of life. I appreciated that very much growing up in my family which impacted my interests and career choices.
My mother stayed at home for a number of years and was very supportive to me, my biggest fan with sports, school and friends. I was very fortunate to have parents who were this way. They both wanted me to live away from Louisiana, felt I would have more options in life.
When my brother turned six, born my mother decided it was time to find a new career. In Lake Charles a woman had three options if she was not going to college. She could be a hair dresser, nurse or secretary. My mother tried all three, but felt best suited as a nurse. At age 50, she began her career first working on the psychiatric floor later on a pediatric unit at St. Patrick’s Hospital. She worked there for 12 years until she retired. She would have continued working there but the staffing coordinator was sending nurses all over the hospital and she did not feel comfortable working in the ICU so decided to quit instead. She adored children. She adored her grandchildren. And any child she came across.
She had 8 years after retirement before she starting having Alzheimer symptoms. At this point, she was seventy. She stayed home with my dad for 10 years, later needing more help in an Alzheimers' unit. I did not see my mother after Marin died until a few years later, when she was move into the nursing home.
When she was on this unit, my mother would fall back to these two careers she enjoyed with comments like you can always dance or following patients who were using walkers to make sure they did not fall. I especially loved it when the nurses would tell me that she would sit in their office with her feet on the desk. Once she commented to me while watching the nurse stand in front of the med cart that the nurse’s knees were very bowed and she did not know what the hell she was doing. In her mind this was real. When I would call her before she was placed in the nursing home she would tell me that she was in an apartment in New York and was waiting to see her mother. Often she would tell me that she had not seen her in a while or if she did she see her I would ask how was she she would say not good. My gram had been dead since 1970. My mother had two dogs before she died they were Doberman pincher miniatures otherwise known as yelpers. These dogs were terrors for anyone else besides my mother and dad. The post office refused to drop their mail off as my mother often opened the door even though my dad would yell not to the dogs would run for the mailman and probably bit him. They did not receive mail for 4 months because of these dogs. My dad finally locked the main door so my mother could not open it. These two dogs followed her everywhere and slept under the covers next to her feet. I wondered how they could breathe. Once I called my mother and she answered out of breath. She was so excited said even the dogs are excited. I said what are you doing she said she had guests over with children and that they were playing a game. Everyone was having a blast. I asked what game they were playing she said Life. How do you play it? You only have to be alive to play. There was no one at the house but in this moment she was having a gay old time. I have thought back to this comment this game Life you only have to be alive to play it. When I first came to the nursing home Alzheimers’ unit the nurse told me which room my mom was in I looked in this three bed room and she was not there. I walked up and down the hall and asked the nurse again where she could be. I had actually not recognized her her hair was waist length beautiful and she has my father’s glasses on which enlarged her eyes. She was shuffling along but looked good. She recognized me right away. I had not seen her for three years at least. Following Marin’s death I had not left Costa Rica nor felt I was able to care for my mother as harsh as that may sound. I just kept in touch by phone. I never told my mom that Marin or my dad died by this point her Alzheimers’ was quite progressed and I thought why cause her one moment of grief or despair she could not process this. I did mention Marin my dad and gram to my mom at the nursing home. I would say to her that they would be picking her up she was often relieved to hear this. I told her that everything was ready her suitcase packed that she did not need to worry about anything everything was taken care of. She once commented that she wondered what took them so long. The last time I brought this subject up I asked her what else she might need for her journey she said her shield. I told her that they had her shield and was carrying it for her so she would not feel she had anything else to worry about or be concerned for. The last time I saw my mother she was mute she had lost all expression that was a shock as she was very animated and had the biggest smile and glint in her eye. This took some adjustment but as I sat with her I felt peace and grace about her and felt that all her ego was gone there was nothing she had to let go off no remorse sadness emotion she was at the crossroads of leaving this world on the runway by that point of lifting off. So this week I am remembering my mom. She was a character. On facebook I added a video of Laurel and Hardy she could mimic Stan Laurel when he cried and pulled on his hair. We would laugh often I could always make my mom laugh she was biggest fan. I miss her miss talking to her. I was somewhat relieved when she died that they could all be together Marin my dad mom and gram. There seems to be more of them on the other side than on this one in terms of my family. My mother showed me how to love music dance movies comedy she was compassionate towards children and animals and I appreciated that about her. If she was here she would take in many animals and would be googling at the sweet babies and children I see here. She would be at the beach where we would walk together and she would be thrilled by the surf sounds and birds. Close
Botanical Gardens on Marin's Memorial Day / Jody Mangue (mom)Read >>
Botanical Gardens on Marin's Memorial Day / Jody Mangue (mom)
Memorial Day of Marin 31 January 2011 7 years now
I have spent several days at the beach and today my soul wishes for a park, trees, stream, flowers, birds, butterflies. I go to the Botanical Gardens of Else Kientzler. I have been here once before the gardens are dedicated to Else by her son in 1998. Seven hectares of 2000 plants from New Zealand, Japan, Guayana, Madagascar, Bahamas, Java, Brazil, India, Korea, and Costa Rica. These gardens are located in Sarchi a town devoted to art, the making of brightly colored ox carts, furniture, beautiful carved woods and jewelry. I have in mind to look for a painted rocker, if time allows. I get a glimpse of myself, a weary soul this week a hard journey down the path of losing my daughter. I feel her with me today and as I start the drive, I reach over where she would be sitting. We often held hands or I had my hand on her knee as we drove, a protective and cariñosa measure. I called Marin by her name, but also Moo or lovey. We used many names to call animals or ourselves. Chef was called a lover boy, lovey wovey my name Moggie. Hibicus, we had in Maui and I see them here today Marin started drawing them and putting them in her self portraits usually in her hair with her name underneath. I know I will lavish this time alone breathe fully be comforted by the watery mist and the sounds of running water behind me. Butterflies are plentiful large and small. A friend once told me if I saw a yellow butterfly that was Marin stopping by to say hi. Since that time I have seen many pairs of yellow butterflies once they flew over to me while I was in the water at Playa Grande in Montezuma. This country is a paradise to the birds and butterflies here. I find myself irritated, impatient, frazzled so tending to self in this environment which fills the sense is critical. I have always been drawn to beauty, aesthetic settings, color, light soothing sounds. At this time I want to fill myself with tranquility, quiet songs of nature. In observation of myself, my gait is unsteady, ungrounded such is PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. I think most of us suffer from it from some event in our pasts. Unnerved shaky and unsure thoughts do not stick only a half awareness. The sun feels good on the back of my shirt. We (meaning Marin and I) sit on the swinging bench to rest and take in. I should preface what I will say next that I was a sensitive child picked up on feelings thoughts of others. There was always a highly developed kinesthetic sense of knowing what to do, how to decide. When I worked in hospice I discovered I could tune in to people in comas hear their thoughts and communicate with them. Once a coworker’s son committed suicide, unrequited love, several of us went to the house to meet our friend and he was there with me, standing next to me and wanted to say various things to his family. I was not quite sure what to do in that situation, in later years his mom asked me what he said so I told her. Mainly he wanted them to forgive him, he loved them and never meant to cause such suffering. I never have spoken of this thing I have, very few people I have confided in so it is at great risk to even disclose this to a larger audience. I do believe that most writings and songs come from the same place, a place of inspiration but the filtering in of spirits of those we know or are somehow connected with us. That there is an angel, lost loved one nearby whispering into our ears or sending us messages in their special ways via mental thoughts, pictures, words, in movies or songs. And if we listen with our hearts not with our minds, this inspiration comes our way. I do not take credit for anything I have written or said, it comes from this place. Marin tells me I love you Mom and I am always with you as I am here now I am also with my friends my dad and my bro as she puts it. Such are the benefits of spirit there is an ease, a freedom that is an experience not on earth. My arm is around your shoulder and my head is at the nape of your neck. How I love you my Moggie. I am sorry you have suffered so, but know that you are never alone are embraced in eternity, cradled in your slumber and enveloped only in Love, nothing can penetrate that love between you and I. I rock the swing slightly I often rocked my daughter in a rocking chair until she got too big and she would sit on my lap even as a teen. Or her leg, arm, hand, head would be placed in my lap for a massage. I remember that last year, we would get home after work, school and change our clothes and go to the gym. We would work out on the machines, she would go to the tanning booth we would steam and swim laps. Often our swimming turned into competing and swimming as fast as we could. We would laugh in the steam room and have to leave quickly. I remember having to cancel her membership why they asked she died…. Good excuse. Following her death I went to several places in the mall where she had gift certificates it was all I do to enter the mall I took myself to see the movie, The Big Fish. Into the coolness of the bromeliad garden, how I love them. Since living here I look for them in the trees. I am now sitting in a vine covered trellis, bamboo fencing and handrests. I see two yellow butterflies which fly overhead so quickly I cannot photograph them. Marin says I want to tell my friends to know that I am fine, love them and I see them in their lives. I am proud of their accomplishments and what futures they are choosing for themselves. (Mari has graduated several are in college and working) Caution them about too much partying, it is best to abstain because there is a greater chance of making errors in judgment. Tell them to love those around them and care about the people who have nothing open their hearts and minds and see the beauty in everything even the most difficult experience can have a silver lining often what we want or demand is not necessarily good for us. Be patient and have faith and be generous when you can. A simple kindness can go a long way, appreciate those who love you and be honest with yourselves, challenge people to think for themselves. They know what is best for them. I am there with them whenever they wish, I love them and want the best for them, choose wisely and find a worthy cause, donate your time, children should be at the top of your list or animals. We should extend ourselves out, are we so important NOT to do that? There are some beautiful examples of giving of yourself, you can each make a difference. In our neighborhood we have many poor children Wilson has invited a small group to go swimming they have come before and played with the dogs. They are all ages he tells me later they brought food which consisted of crackers and butter. They think the house is a hotel. Two moms come with them. In listening to this idea of children I have been thinking over the past two months about an orphanage in Atenas about a half hour away. A friend of mine from here happens to live on the same street apparently many newborns and toddlers. A number of Americans are involved, in fact a couple run the orphanage. How fulfilling that would be to have people come here bring clothing and spend time there. This is not a novel idea as there are many opportunities for volunteering in Costa Rica, but after hearing about the orphanage I had the sense there was something for me to do with it. On my way to these gardens I stop at a Pali to grab a pen notebook and small pack water. A small boy is whining next to the school supplies, his mother is giving him the evil eye. His older sister is equally annoyed. He sees me looking for a notebook and holds up one and I said smiling oh you like Ben 10 he nods his head I say I do, too. His mother looks at me but with a look like hmmm maybe I should be more patient. I hope! Later, I see him pushing the buggy he is quiet and I think that we all need a simple acknowledgement nothing huge a moment here and there of acceptance interest and compassion. He was very cute with thick, black hair. I do try to listen to people, hug them when they are crying, of course, I cry too, but oh well, we are sharing hearts and pain. In hospice I had one patient who I visited who was extremely difficult and unlikeable. We had this one moment where he was in bed not long for this world and he talked about hoping for a cure for his cancer. He still held out hope and I realized that one of the biggest reasons we are alive is that we hold out hope, once gone we succumb to the process of dying. When he told me this, my eyes got watery and he patted my hand and told me not to worry about him, asking out loud why would anyone care for me. He could see where his personality and manner got in the way of allowing in humanity. I go back to several other areas of the gardens some of my pictures are blurry I find an iridescent blue feather so beautiful, blues and greens. The other advice is to find inspiration where we are inspired. It can be found in our homes while cooking, outdoors planting, at the beach digging in the sand, collecting shells. There are many children diagnosed with different disorders ADD, etc. Some have so much energy their parents nor teachers know just what to do with them. I feel they need this energy in this world they need places to explore, implode, wrestle, play in the dirt, sand, mud, snow they should not be contained, it is impossible, it is against their true nature, but there are ways to encourage them and their creative genius, express what is inside drawing, painting, clay nothing formal, writing. So many fresh minds are being tuned out with the TV, internet and video games for a time, it is ok, but who they are is being conditioned out of them if they are sucked in for huge amounts of time. Look at the usage of cell phones it has become epidemic. People do not hold conversations they are cannot think straight too busy being interrupted by a text or call. In this world of technology, how do we retain who we are and hear our inner voice our souls. For children, there are so many things to do in this world, parks, museums, plays, ballets, folklore, libraries, story-telling, journal writing, homeless shelters help develop their sense of self too many of us have been stifled to be who we are NOT! This world needs to evolve in order to survive so help young people in their evolution. It is not too late for anyone really. Break the chains that bind us, whether that be from drugs, alcohol, toxic relationships peer groups, our childhood, try not to measure the worth of someone by their appearance, language, culture, morality, education, it lessens us in lessening them. We are all more than we can possibly realize. Have people around us who remind us of our greatness, not our faults shortcomings. We do not need to measure up to anyone. We have a purpose beyond what we see in our day to day lives. You came to the world for a reason, define what this is for yourself and your world and the world of others around you, will unfold. Perhaps after reading this you will think she has lost her mind and this is true, I lost it seven years ago. But I am also in realization that we each bring to this life certain gifts and qualities life is to be lived on purpose and I think many of us have become short sighted and lazy, myself included. Set time out to be inspired be in nature and listen to ourselves and others. In leaving the gardens and sitting in Sarchi I hear from Marin you honor me everyday Mom. I know you love me I can see it, feel it, know it. Not every child has that good fortune, we cannot avoid some of the most difficult experiences in life it shapes us and it also makes us sensitive to others of the same plight. A way to connect one with the other. So you and I had that kind of love that was harmonious and fluid. So many children do not know if their mothers really care really love them it is never spoken or felt. Ours was still is. Love is eternal it is what transcends the world you are in and mine so even though you feel separate from me I am not from you the same is true for those who loved me think of me is all that needs to happen. The children who leave their parents first. are often still involved in the family a mission to complete most importantly to be open and loving to one another helping out when needed. There seems more to add, but I will end on that note. Thank you for taking the time and remembering Marin. Love Jody
Today/ Jody Mangue (mom)
The sun is shining it is a beautiful day birds flying by perfection how can you not be here. So much time has passed since I saw your sweet smiling face or heard your laughter or your song. I will walk tomorrow in beauty and rememberance of you my only and dearest daughter. I miss you beyond comprehension life continues in ways that are not always easy. I long to see you touch your skin your face your hands. I count the moments until we are together again. My spirit and yours are forever interwined my angel my love moo I never knew we would have so little time together in this world. There is so much I would have wanted to experience with you. My heart breaks my being is raw once again in the realization of what took place seven long years ago. I know you are with me in the ways you can be. My hope is that there are others who love and think of you with sweetness and appreciation. I love you Close
beautiful story / Raeann MacInnes (Friend of Jody's )
Jody, what a beautiful writing and story and so full of wisdom. I wish so bad I could have met Marin. With our talking and your writing, I do have a strong sense of what an incredible young woman she was. I believe the bond you and she have is something special that was easy for you both to create and to enjoy with each other....you will always have that and its so apparent how close you two keep each other in your hearts. Marin, I want you to know that your mom is my most special friend and spending this week with her is such a honor...... Close
Today is January 24 2010, it is Kevin’s birthday, but also the anniversary of when Marin’s accident occurred. I am taken away to the beach on the Pacific side to walk the beaches. I take the camera and am given the task of collecting shells. I have much experience collecting shells, starting at age 10 or so in Florida, coming home with shoeboxes full. As I start out there are a few people on the beach it is a beautiful sunrise and I begin a 3 hour jaunt. A little distance from the start, I write Marin’s name in the sand and mine below, she loved to write her name and as I did this a large wave came up and erased it. It was symbolic how Marin’s life would end one minute, she was there in our everyday world, life we looked towards our futures and the next moment it had changed forever. The sudden and unexpected erasure by a tremendous force greater than any wave. She lived 7 days in the ICU. I remember the doctors suggesting that she not have visitors, she was on a vent, in a coma, but so many people wanted to see her needed to and so began a parade of her friends coaches parents she was not just our daughter, but belonged to many people. I felt certain it was important for those who she loved to see her, not knowing however, it would be a short amount of time before she would leave us. I felt I had held up pretty well till the service. I had a very distinct knowing that this memorial service was not just for Marin, but also for me life would forever be changed and so would everyone around us. It was all uncharted territory from that point on. As much as I love living here I am also reminded frequently that I would not be here had Marin’s death not occurred.
As I walked along, I photographed various scenes with pelicans, flowers, footprints, backgrounds, waves. I did rewrite Marin’s name and mine, which was still there when I later rode on the beach on the back of an ATV. I was happy for that. Many thoughts crossed my mind which I hope I can recall while writing this account.
One thought was that Marin and I were similar and harmonious in nature, we spent hours together and enjoyed each other’s company. I was lucky for that. I think that is rare even in a family. In many families there can be great conflict, turmoil, power struggles and confusion. It can be extremely difficult when a parent or child carries a great deal of anger, antagonism and a strong wish to control or manipulate the other person. One wonders what they did to deserve this when they are trying to be kind, understanding, obedient, they are still dealt with disrespect and careless abandon. I have witnessed this most unpleasant experience as it relates to the treatment of children, I find it extremely hard to reckon with. I suppose having lost Marin someone I loved so deeply and consistently sharing such an intimate and incredible connection as mother and daughter that a parent could treat another with such recklessness and without remorse. It is hard to imagine that amount of suffering one has to undergo to have a mother or father who could be so callous and aloof to their child, perhaps viewing them as an object rather than a person. This type of injury is directed at the core of the person and how they identify in this world with others, but more importantly causes a very deep soul injury that is extremely hard to repair. I cannot imagine causing such pain to a child. And yet it happens even with parents who claim they love and care about their children or feel they are teaching them the right way. Relating to children or young adults can be very challenging parenting is the hardest job around. Children can be extremely strong willed and negative wiggling out of taking responsibility like a Houdini, they can drive us beserk with thinking they know better at age 8. I guess the most important thing to say is they are not perfect, nor are we. Forgive, be honest and sincere and most of all appreciate them. Learn from them and try to show them how to treat other people well. There are children and parents who are not very equipped to handle certain situations or people and sometimes they cannot be taught to be different, they have some major deficits and we need to make allowances for them, if we can. Either there are mental health, genetic components or ways they learned to behave that cannot seem to be undone Keep your sense of humor and integrity about you, if at all possible. Remember what it was like for you as a child our parents made many mistakes. Forgive them if you can and yourselves for replaying some of those old, worn out tapes. As we get older sometimes it is easier to be inflexible, critical and sour. Let’s face it, life is not easy and we have been dealt some difficult hands.
Recently I was also reminded of the extent of Marin’s injury and how she could have been so very different, if she had survived we would have dealt with that, but Marin would never have wanted to be looked at or treated differently. During the week she was still alive, many of her friends spent individual time reading to her, fixing her hair, talking to her while she was with us and I greatly appreciated that they did that for her. They hung up pictures, kept a diary and fully expected she would be back with them to share their lives and pick up where they left off. Some friendships had changed, but there was hope of rekindling those again. Many of her friends stayed in the waiting room after school and did their homework they wanted to be kept abreast of any progress. Three boys sat with me almost every night in the waiting room till around midnight Steve, Ricky, and Danny I was so grateful to them for doing that. There was a day when Marin was moving her one arm and leg and the neurologists felt hopeful, too we talked about rehab and what that would be like even though she was a long ways away from that day. I spent every night sitting in a recliner next to another mom whose daughter had been in a car accident, too. We became friends. Each am I would wake up at 3am and the nurses would let me come in and sit with her, I was so impressed by their expertise and caring for these unconscious patients. A curved, synchronous wave of pelicans flew over the water as I looked out at the ocean. Also flying overhead was a lapa or scarlet mackaw, but I did not have my camera ready. I took some photos of hammocks. My first months in Montezuma I slept in a hammock almost as if walking on this earth was too much, I was in a fragile state and needed to be suspended above this harsh reality. So I spent time being comforted in the hammock watching monkeys, toucans, iguanas and walking in the water as I did today picking up shells and listening to the surf. We are, I believe, like drops of the Ocean the spark within each of us is what truly makes us unique, alive, vital. So while on the beach, being in the water and witnessing the overpowering sound and energy of the Ocean is truly a spiritual experience. I am aware that even though Marin is not here in body, her spirit is rejoined and revitalized with the purest of Love, which is unimaginable to us in our quite limited human bodies and consciousness we have no comparison to make. That intoxication, heavenly bliss is where she is which expands out to filter in our world, the veil is thin between these worlds. Our fingers and souls of those we love still clasp and intertwine . At least this has been my understanding and experience.
So I take this week and remember hold dearly the time I spent with Marin if you wish to read more accounts or see more photos her website is www.marin-ebel.memory-of.com. Although the wave washed her name away, I purposely hoped that the website would keep and honor her memory and allow myself and others to acknowledge this incredible person, Marin Nicole Ebel. I wish you each the very best in life and relationship, we are here for a brief time and we do not know when our train will stop so continue to love and care for those in your life and make your life an adventure, something incredible and memorable. Thanks for taking the time to read this, I appreciate all the support and friendship love I have received from so many of you over these past 7 years. Love Jody